They won't take me
by Moon Bunny
Summary: Short one part story. Susan's last entree's in her journal...How does she react when the Psicorps find out...please R&R !! ^_^ Thanks!


Note: Last thing that follows b-5 continuity is When Marcus Dies. None afterwards. Susan didn't leave the station; the war is over though, and as far as the story goes, no Earth war. Capish? Good.

They won't take me 

Ivanova looked around he dimly lit Quarters and sighed. "Begin Voice Log November 3rd 2262."

     I won't let them get me, not after so long. I won't live like that, in mind as well as in spirit. My heart has already been torn apart, however, I will not let them take away logical thought, dull my mind to an unbelievable extent. I won't let it happen. Like mother like daughter they say, well I guess its true...to true.

     I haven't done a voice log since this began, but this is my last message. I'm going to say everything, without holding back. I'm sorry friends, for the secrecy, for the pain, but I didn't have a choice then, and no choice now. I refuse...I'm getting ahead of myself aren't I?

     John, I'm sorry. But I know the letter you'll get tomorrow is going to shock you, one from the Corps, and one from me.

     The corps one won't matter anyway.

     Now, from the beginning.

     I believe my last entree before this was when Marcus had died. I don't like to keep up with these things.

     People don't realize how much Marcus death hurt me. And how it still does. I died with him that night, or at least the rest of my heart did. I felt him leave, I was so, so helpless, it infuriates me. I wish so much that I could have stopped him, spared him my pain, my suffering, but no, I had to have lived. It would have been so much easier to die then, because I wouldn't be dieing now, in fear, and in shame. People think I got over it, but when I look at my reflection in the mirror, my eyes scare me, no wonder people follow my every command, they see the fear in my own eyes, a searching that cannot be found in this realm. Maybe behind the rim, or wherever we go...

     The one thing that no one knows, beside myself at this point, is that I had, in his last moments, touched minds with him.

      I felt everything he ever felt for me, and his concern, as all his thoughts and feeling were passed from him to me, willingly. He was surprised, as was I, and I tried to tell him to stop, but he refused me, gently, but with a power than I could not stop. Damn him! So determined to do good for me and others, I didn't deserve him, and I told him so. He would never listen to me, not when his mind was made up...why? I don't know how much of my thoughts transferred to him, but I do know at that point I had no idea what I was doing. I was to tired to conceal my thoughts from him. 

     He told me to be strong, to live on in his name... I tried, I really tried. It makes no difference now, if they get to me first, I wouldn't be able to anyway.

     I was born free. I will die free.

     My mother didn't, I'm not going though what Momma did.

     Marcus meant more to me than I'll ever really admit. I knew, oh God, I knew the entire time, but I ignored it. With so many things going on, I didn't have a chance, and I was....I guess I was afraid that he would leave. Like he did. I never thought of regrets... I think I would have regretted it both ways, but what ifs are nothing to be concerned over. 

     After Marcus' death I wanted strongly to leave. Every turn, every wall, everything reminded my strictly of him. Of his smile, of his attitude, of everything about him, and it made me miss him more. He made me promise him that night, in his mind that I wouldn't

leave the station because of him, and I fulfilled that promise. I threw myself into work, and worked longer hours, longer shifts and didn't stop for much sleep at all. For two weeks I did this, until John sat me down and made me take a week off to do whatever. He made me, MADE ME! I didn't want to, and I was so angry...

     The voice recording went silent for a couple moments. A deep breath was heard.

     Momma told me, always told me, TELL NO ONE. I did, I told, and now I'm speaking it here, because it won't matter tomorrow anyway. I had to tell Sinclair first, it was probably the scariest thing I ever did in my life. I sat in my quarter's hours afterwards, waiting for him to turn me in. I know, I felt I could trust him, but I just couldn't be sure. Not then. It was scary to know my entire career was in his hands, but I trusted him with it for some odd reason. I was gone either way I guess, and he protected me.

     Then Sheridan found out, then Lyta. I was terrified, but she was rouge, so I was protected at least for a while. I didn't know then how much I'd have to rely on her. Not then. 

     Another pause in the recording.

     I was, then a latent telepath. I had been since I was a little kid. Nothing ever above a P1, nothing but strong emotions filtering through my mind. Everything else was a quiet hum, that I constantly ignored, and grew used to. I could never isolate myself from every thing, there was always a hum, except when piloting a Starfury did everything stop. I love blessed solitude for a while, It calms me, but a lot of it I feel would eventually drive me nuts. 

     Like the sleepers would.

     Marcus used to be able to drive me nuts when he didn't speak. That meant something was wrong, or he was deep in thought. Both were scary propositions, but no matter.

     It was in the week off that frightened me out of my own mind literally. I wasn't latent anymore. Something triggered me and I couldn't stop anything.

     Voices, thoughts, and emotions, sometimes pictures if their mind was broadcasting clearly enough ran though my mind constantly. I couldn't stop them, couldn't stop reading minds, knowing things I shouldn't. I locked myself in my quarters afraid to get into true eye contact with someone, afraid to connect minds and know every thing about a singular person. I didn't want to know, nor care to know. I didn't want to infringe on anyone's privacy like that.

     I was told by Lyta later, the normally the Psi corps broke latency early to train the young telepaths to teach them how to keep from hearing a total jumble. Teeps like myself, braking latency at such an old age were rare, and are harder to train. Oh well. 

     At first it was off and on. Bursts would send me down to my knees, overwhelming my senses to where I would cover my ears pleading for it to stop. I didn't want it, nor ask for it, irony always had me in its fateful grip. After three days, I slowly made my way to Lyta's quarters. I fear, this part I will not speak, but change to my journal, because I feel I can write it better than I can speak it.

--End Voice message--

     Ivanova went over to a cabinet and pulled out a leather bound journal. It had cost her quite a sum of money, for the real paper and ink, but it was hers. She ran her finger over the soft cover, and untied the black ribbon. She turned on a nearby lamp with the wave her hand and wrote a message at the beginning, and went to page by page in the journal.

I have written this since the beginning, a document for...I'm not sure exactly. Maybe just for myself. I'm not really sure now. I guess that doesn't really matter anyway.

     I'm not sure what date it is exactly, I've lost track of time, and don't feel like asking the computer right now. It is silent, and I'm going to keep it that way. Today was, how do you explain what it feels like to take your fears and dive right into your worst nightmare? I don't think I can, nor want to think about what has occurred, and I think if I wrote exactly what I felt, I'd throw this out the nearest airlock.

     It is happening, now, after I have no one, not even John to turn to. My latency is breaking, and my telepathic powers are emerging in its true forms. I am not sure who to tell, nor what to do, I tried the simple blocks my mother taught me when I was small, but it couldn't stop the onslaught that I was getting. I stumbled my way to my quarters, the bombarding of loose faults entering my head like ISN to loud on a bad day. I thought that getting out of sight from everyone would ease the barrage, because normally I would feel almost nothing, but a slighting humming out of everyone's eyesight before.

     It didn't stop. It was softer, but strong stray thoughts would still enter my mind though the cold dim walls of my quarters. I was very thankful that John had forced me off work this week, it meant I could get my act together a bit. Sometimes, the power of my mind was stronger than other times to the point where I would curl up and just pray that it would stop. Vodka could stop the cry of the wolf, but it could not stop the cry of thoughts, just swirl them around. I had to take three sleeping pills to get to sleep, and in the morning, my mind was back to its latency stage. 

     My mother told me, once long ago, once latency was broken once, it might go back dormant, but it would become reactive and that you couldn't hide from it. I knew I needed some type of training, and I needed it quickly. The only person I could think of was Lyta and Lyta already knew.

     After going through the well known corridors of 

B5, I found Lyta's room. I hadn't been in it sense,

Admittedly, the first Kosh was still around, and how she redecorated surprised me. It was much more colorful and bright, and it felt comfortable.

     Lyta stood up, she was wearing the gray and black standard uniform of the Psi Corps that made me cringe. 

     "Well, what do you want?" No pleasant, Hi's. I was hoping at least for a small amount of small talk. Not much, but a little. She sounded kind of bitter- I didn't blame her. Being a part of the Corps would have made me act the same way. 

     "I need to ask a personal favor." I stood tense, looking at her, trying to measure her facial expressions. 

     She nodded curtly towards me. "Oh! Please sit. I'm sorry for not asking sooner but umm, would you like some tea?"

     I didn't want anything to drink, but accepted anyway. After she sat back down, she looked at me in the eyes.

     "What do you want?"

     "This is purely confidential. You can't tell anyone about this, especially not the Corps."

     She looked slightly surprised, but agreed. "I already knew you're a Telepath, but what does this have to do with anything?"

     I took a deep breath, might as well get it over with, "I broke latency yesterday. I can't deal with it on my own. I need your help. I'll pay you a small amount to help me, but this is a side job not a Psi Corps thing."

     She was silent, her face stoic. I think is was a trait she picked up from the Vorlons, or being around Bester to much. Both could do it to you. I sat there praying hoping she would accept my offer. She was my only chance.

     "Do you know what P- rating you are?"

     I shook my head.

     She sighed, "Well, I can't exactly have you tested can I? I agree to do this for awhile. Say two days a week? I have work to do, and so do you."

     "Lyta, I have a slight problem. I go back to work in three days. If I can't control the bursts to an extent, I'm going to be found out. I..."

     "You can't let that happen. I understand." She shot a glare at the gloves and badge on the counter.

     "Thank you."

     She looked surprised that I had thanked her. 

     We agreed to meet in three hours at my quarters. For lunch, and a small session.

     In my quarters, while I was making lunch, (a vegetable soup) a burst hit me hard.

     I don't remember much, admittedly, one second I was standing up cooking, the next, I was on the floor, trying to rid myself of the noise of thoughts in my head. Now I knew exactly why telepaths complained about how much non-telepaths broadcast because in truth there is a lot you can pick up without even trying to scan.

     Next thing I remember was Lyta waking me up. I shot up as quickly as I could, brushing off my pants, and apologizing to her. My mind was spinning slightly, and I had a killer headache to go along with it.

     She nodded to me, and gave a slight smile.

     "I turned off your soup. It burned."

     "Sorry, I..."

     "Look, it is normal what happened. Hit by a burst, and then pass out. I did that once, when I was little. You need to be trained, and you realize that. There is a slight problem, and well, I don't think your going to be quite happy with it."

     "What?" She had this calm look, that couldn't give her away. And I couldn't feel the emotions coming off her either, and it made me slightly uncomfortable. 

     "I'll have to scan you. And probably more deep than you'll like. I know the time I surfaced scanned you, you weren't happy to say the least."

     I couldn't avoid it and I knew it. I consented.

          My training began.

I'm not going to bore you with the exact details of my training; it isn't the training that really matters. It was basic stuff anyway to keep me alive. Blocking, mostly and some scanning techniques. It doesn't really matter now.

     I ended up returning to work a day early because of unpleasant circumstances. I was called to go view the crime scene of a murder in level 11 of Brown sector. As I arrived, I was slightly surprised; normally the victim had PPG wounds, or some type of battle wounds. In this case the woman's eyes were wide, and her face in some type of shock.

     "Commander! Good! Sorry for taking from your time off, but your not going to like this. Franklin is taking her in for a scan, but personally by the look on her face, she wasn't killed by a physical blow." Garabaldi came up to me, and in-between telling me this, he yelled certain orders at his team.

     "What do you mean?"

     "It seems rather fishy, I know. But she didn't die from physical wounds, and that would have to be some strong poison if it was. I'm not ruling that out yet. But, it seems extremely sudden, and I think a telepath did it."

     My mind was reeling again. So much had happened in the last week that it took me a second to think it through.  

     I nodded. "Find out. We need to know. If there is a rouge teep running around the station we need to know about it, and fast."

     "I don't think it is, not yet, but it is a possibility. If it is, we're up a shit creek without a paddle, and our boat has a hole in it."

     "I know."

          Garibaldi has this wonderful habit of being right when it comes to what happened. I hated him for it, but at least we knew what was happening. Of course, if he knew the Psicorps weren't far behind… and they came. Four or five of them, I'm not really sure, I avoided them mostly, keeping away from those meetings with active duty, piloting or anything that could come up and keep me away. Well, I was heading to C&C after a little lunch, and in the turbolift, Bester got on.

     He didn't say anything, or do anything. It was very strange to me, and I must have been radiating hate and fear among other things. He looked at me strangely, nodded. When I got off at C&C he looked at me with a serious and almost grimly curious expression. "Commander, we've caught the telepath. I hope… I should see you soon." And the door closed and he went on.

     They left, without much incident, the next day. I was extremely relieved. Then around two days later I received the call. That was yesterday.

     The day everything changed.

     Lyta told me, they were coming for me.

     And I won't let them take me.

     Not alive.

-Susan Ivanova   
  


I wrote most of this awhile back and finished it now. Please Review if you liked it or if there is anything wrong to of course…(the Date? Should I change it?) *grinz* And for the people who remember Power of the Mind, it is ALMOST done!! I am writing, I just have had a lot of things happen recently. Oi. Bai!


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